


You Can't Fix Everything

by lucybun



Series: And the Hits Verse [2]
Category: Hawaii Five-0 (2010)
Genre: Episode Related, Lots of dialogue, M/M, Original Character(s), Post-Liver Transplant (Hawaii Five-0 2010), Therapy, episode 6.25
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-23
Updated: 2020-11-23
Packaged: 2021-03-10 06:33:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,841
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27689002
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lucybun/pseuds/lucybun
Summary: Following the events of And the Hits Keep Coming, Steve and Danny have a difficult therapy session about how horrible everyone was to Danny following the transplant.
Relationships: Steve McGarrett/Danny "Danno" Williams
Series: And the Hits Verse [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2024804
Comments: 33
Kudos: 115





	You Can't Fix Everything

**Author's Note:**

> Guess who's back on her emo bullshit with a timestamp about one of the most infuriating episodes of H50? *raises hand* Anyway, I'm not a therapist, but I go to therapy. This is partly based on what I've experienced, but it's mostly based on my imagination. Take it with a pound of salt. Also, I reserve the right to change this because I genuinely haven't planned things like I should've, but this is set around six months after Steve got out of treatment. Comments and kudos stroke the ol' ego and help me improve my writing, so they're much appreciated. Thanks for reading!

“Listen, I don’t want to do this.” That was an understatement. He _desperately_ didn’t want to do this. He’d said it about a million times.

“I know, but I think we have to,” Steve replied quietly, patiently even. Which was great except for the fact that, while he sounded like he’d suddenly found his zen, he looked like a whipped dog. It made Danny’s teeth itch because he knew he was going to hurt Steve if they discussed this. Hell, Steve obviously knew it too, and there wasn’t even any need for it. Danny’d aired his hurt about Steve's and the team's behavior after the transplant months ago, and there really wasn’t much resolution to be had. 

The detective looked over at Lee, the psychologist handling their couples therapy, knowing what he was about to say. “I agree with him, Danny. I think it’s important that we address this.” Of course he did.

“Okay, but what’s the point? He’s already apologized. I know he’s sorry.” He’d been repeating some variation of this for a while, but he’d been wasting his breath apparently. 

Lee stared back at him, calmly ignoring the attempt to stop the discussion one more time. “What exactly is he sorry for?” 

The man obviously knew what answer he expected even if Danny didn’t. All the detective had to go on was the one quickly aborted conversation the couple had attempted not long after Steve got out of treatment. Steve had said "I'm sorry" and Danny had said "It's okay" before abruptly changing the subject. Glancing over at Steve, he knew he wasn’t going to get any help on that front because the man just looked curious, which was ridiculous since he knew the damn answer better than anybody. Finally, he responded the only way he knew how. “I mean, I guess for how he acted. He’s sorry for how he acted.” 

“And what has he apologized for?” Danny drew breath to speak, but Lee stopped him. “I just asked you what _you_ think he’s sorry for, but that’s different than what he’s apologized for. Do you think he has a clear idea of what happened and why?”

Oh. That was indeed a different question. “Uhm, yeah. I mean, I didn’t exactly give him the chance for a detailed apology, but when he came back to Hawaii, I mentioned some of the, ah, let’s say _issues_ I had from that period. He said he was sorry, and, honestly, he has to be aware of what he did. I mean, I get that he didn’t mean it or that he was just in a bad place, but he has to know, right?” He very much did not look at his partner right then. He was getting more uncomfortable because he was getting agitated which was making him even more uncomfortable. It was an endless cycle that he’d been in before, and nothing good ever came from it. They’d made so much progress working through a lot of their issues, and they were both determined to make sure their relationship was a healthy one. Getting stuck in that loop again seemed counterproductive. 

He was all set to say something about that when Steve piped up instead. “I know I was a dick, but I have a hard time remembering everything I said.” 

That got Danny’s attention, and, judging by the look on his face, Steve at least had the grace to know that wasn’t going to go over well. Still, the detective really didn’t want to rehash every word they’d said back then, and Steve genuinely had been at a low point. Danny had been too. “Well, you’d just had major surgery, and it was a long time ago. I guess it’s okay if you don’t remember. I wish I didn’t remember, so call it a silver lining.” He’d been aiming for a little humor but had missed the mark. The way Steve and the team had spoken to him after the transplant had affected Danny so deeply, and it hurt to think that it hadn’t been something that stood out in Steve’s memory. The man sitting next to him had insulted him in the most vile way, and it hadn’t even registered on anyone’s radar. Christ. “Lee, I really, really don’t want to do this.”

“But I do,” Steve said quietly. 

“Oh, well if you do then I guess that’s what matters, huh?” He heard the snark coming out of his mouth, but he couldn’t stop it. 

“Danny,” Lee said softly, “do you see that you might still be angry about what happened?”

“Of course I see that! I’m not a moron. Do you think I don’t know I’m still angry about it? What fucking difference does it make? How many times does he need to apologize? I get it, he’s sorry. I just need some more time, okay. That’s, that’s it.” Please, God, let that be it. His anger was going to get the best of him here, and he was going to say something awful. This was going to turn into a setback, not a step forward.

He felt the sofa dip as Steve shifted next to him. “Danny, man, it’s been five years.” 

Like he didn’t know that. Like he didn’t know when the man he loved told him that Charlie was going to grow up to hate him, when his team stood around their room basically ignoring Danny except when they were making fun of him. He fucking knew how long it’d been. “For Christ’s sake, what more do you need from me? You’re forgiven, okay. Is that better? You’re forgiven. I’d say I’ll never bring it up again, but I didn’t bring it up in the first place. I haven’t brought it up, not since that first day, and you know it. You’re the one picking at this.” 

“But isn’t that what we’re supposed to be doing? There are things we need to pick at, and we need help doing that in the right way. I need help at least.” He was right, he absolutely was, which only irritated Danny more.

“He’s not wrong,” Lee chimed in. Unnecessarily, by the way. 

It did the job of making Danny open up though because, now that he felt ganged up on, he was too pissed to watch his mouth. “All right, fine!” He turned to his partner. “You fucking sucked, and you said horrible things that I wouldn’t have said to anyone, much less my friend. You made fun of me and made me feel like I was useless and that nobody liked me or cared for me. You were awful and our friends laughed at every bit of it. So, there you go, fuck you very much. You said it, you meant it, and you never said fuck all about it until I brought it up when you first came back. You’re sorry, I get it.” He turned back and raised an eyebrow at Lee. “There’s nothing else to say. It sucked, it’s over, and I’ll work with my therapist on dealing with it. There, is everybody happy now?”

The room was quiet for a few moments until Steve choked out, “Danny….” He sounded devastated and probably looked devastated too, but the detective didn’t want to see it. Danny had practically begged not to do this.

Turning back to the doctor and leaning forward a little aggressively, he asked, “You know what? How come we’re so focused on me forgiving him for this, huh? Why aren’t we focused on him looking back at his own bad behavior and learning from it? I’m the one sitting here pissed off and hurt again, and for what? For nothing, that’s what. Why aren’t we making him look back at what he said and did and making him explain why he said it or did it? Why is this my responsibility?”

The doctor tilted his head, seeming a little surprised by that line of thought. It was an effective deflection, but he didn’t think that was the entire point of what the man had said. Danny truly didn’t seem to understand why the focus of the session was on him rather than Steve. “It isn’t only your responsibility, of course it isn’t. The point is that today has shown us that you’re clearly not over what happened, and the anger you’re feeling is hurting you. You’re still in pain, and there’s a real chance this can damage a relationship that is very important to you. I get where you’re coming from, I get that you feel attacked right now, but this is about helping you, even if it doesn’t feel that way.”

“Okay, so help me!” Danny took a breath and dug his nails into his palms. He didn’t want to shout because it only made things worse. “I don’t need an itemized apology,” he managed at a normal volume. “If he doesn’t remember some of the details, that’s fine. We know it happened and we know he’s sorry, so help me with that. What do I do with that, huh?”

“Do you believe that he’s sorry?”

“Yeah, I believe he’s sorry, for fuck’s sake.” 

Lee nodded. “But you’re still carrying the anger. You know that we’ve talked about anger being the symptom of some other emotion. Do you think that’s what’s happening? Do you think you can’t let go of your anger because there’s something deeper going on?”

“Oh my God, of course there’s something deeper going on! He made me feel like dirt. He hurt me a lot, and to this day I don’t know why he did it. I’m not sure I even want to know why he did it, but if it’ll make him feel better then I guess I’m gonna find out, huh?”

“Again,” the doctor pointed out, “this isn’t just about making Steve feel better.”

Danny rolled his eyes. “Well it sure as hell feels that way. I have forgiven him and forgiven him and forgiven him for all sorts of things, and I’ve been glad to do it because I love him and because I know, believe it or not, that holding a grudge isn’t going to do anybody any good. But there’s a difference between holding a grudge and, you know, not granting absolution. I’m allowed that, goddammit. Just this once I don’t want to be the bigger man. So, yeah, maybe this is my line in the sand. I don’t hold it over his head, I don’t make passive-aggressive remarks about it, and I have worked very hard on believing the things he said weren’t true. That’s it. That’s all I have to give. No matter what happens, I don’t see how I could forget it, and that’s his issue. Dealing with what he did and said, that’s _his_ problem, and I don’t particularly feel like helping out on this one. The only thing that would solve it is a time machine, and I don’t have one of those handy, do I? Why don’t you tell him to get over feeling guilty instead of telling me to get over being angry?”

“Even if the anger is causing you pain?”

“Yes, goddammit! Even if it’s causing me pain! I have a right to my own fucking pain! Besides, that’s not even what this is about.” He heard Steve sniffing and knew he was either crying or trying very hard not to. He’d shed a lot of tears over what had happened after the transplant too, so maybe that was only fair.

“What do you think this is about then?” the doctor asked, genuinely curious as to the answer.

“I think, no matter what you say, this is about prioritizing Steve, which I'm plenty used to, okay. It’s not about making us a happier couple. Let’s not pretend anybody is too worried that I’m carrying some anger. I’ve been carrying anger for a long, long time and nobody cared then. It was funny, as a matter of fact. Funny at the best of times, I guess, mostly everyone was annoyed by it. So, why now? The only thing that’s changed is now he wants to feel better about it because we’re together. He can’t get over his guilt, and that’s suddenly my issue.”

There was actually a lot to unpack there, not the least of which was that remark about prioritizing Steve, but the doctor kept his focus on the issue at hand. “Do you think you _can_ get over it? It seems that you’ve forgiven him for mistakes that were a lot… mistakes that seem to be much bigger, for lack of a better term.”

“So? So what. It’s up to me what I forgive him for. I’ve forgiven him for all kinds of shit, and he’s done the same for me. I’m just saying that this might not be one of those things.”

“Can you help me understand why you think what happened is so unforgivable to you?” It was a poor way to phrase it, accusatory in a way, but it was too late for the doctor to take it back. 

“Because there was no goddamn reason for it other than I was stupid enough or, or codependent enough to put up with being a punching bag!” Danny exploded. “I did everything I could for him then. _Everything_. And all I got was shit for it. The reminder that I still didn’t have a lot of people who cared for me around was bad enough, then to have him and the rest of the team laugh at me about it? I felt like an unloveable piece of shit who would never be good enough. It broke something in me, and he can be as sorry as he wants to be, but that something is still broken. So it’s permanent, got it? He did a permanent wrong and there are permanent consequences. That’s how life works. It’s the best I can do, and if it’s not good enough, and I guess it isn’t, then everybody can just fuck off. I deserve to be angry about it!”

The man looked like he was skirting the edge of full-blown rage, so the doctor decided to push pause. “Danny, do you need a break?” 

“No, I don’t need a break. I want to get this over with, thank you.” He crossed his arms, hunched over, and slid down a bit in his chair, looking very much like he’d settled in for a good sulk. He wasn’t sulking though; he was a genuinely aggrieved man in a lot of pain. Even so, he wasn’t the only patient in the room.

“Steve, do you need a break?” Lee offered, hoping he’d say yes because the man looked wrecked. Steve had done a lot of things that kept him up at night, Lee knew. He didn’t have the clearance to know details, be he was aware of the insomnia and nightmares that haunted the man. The commander had fought and made sacrifices with an ostensibly noble goal in mind. Finish the mission, save lives, get the criminal off the streets. What he’d done to Danny after the transplant? There hadn’t been any goal or any way to rationalize what he’d done. The truth of that was etched on his face and visible in the uncertain bow of his spine as he looked down at his lap.

Unsurprisingly, Steve answered, “I’m good if Danny is.” 

That was a rather profound truth generally even if it wasn’t what Lee wanted to hear specifically. He came very close to calling for a break anyway, but he was concerned that Detective Williams might simply leave altogether if he did. Instead he stifled a sigh and asked, “All right. Steve, how do you feel about what Danny has said?”

“I think he’s right,” he answered quickly, noticing how Danny sat up in surprise. “I did something terrible to him, and he has a right to be upset. I have things that happened to me that I’m always gonna be angry about, so I get it. He should be angry, you know? I would be. He really doesn’t hold it over my head; he’s never even brought it up again since that first day. _I’m_ the one who wanted to talk about this, not him. He can’t just wipe it from his brain.”

“But?” Danny asked.

Steve shook his head. “No buts. I might not remember all of it, but I do remember being an ass, and I kept being an ass about it. You’re right, sometimes you have to suffer the consequences.”

It was a normal turn of phrase, but Lee couldn’t help thinking there was something to it. “And do you feel like you’re suffering?”

They all sat quietly for several moments, letting Steve chew on that. Finally, he answered, “Yes, but I think I should be.” 

Lee would’ve been shocked at any other answer because the commander was a champion at beating himself up. Normally, Danny would be the first one to call him on it, to try to explain how he wasn’t actually responsible for the whole world and everyone in it. This wasn’t exactly a normal session though. “How about you, Detective? Do you think he should be suffering?”

Danny heaved a huge sigh. “I don’t want him to suffer. Of course I don’t want him to suffer. What I’m saying is that if he’s punishing himself over this, that’s his cross to bear. And whether I want him to suffer or not, maybe it’s just possible that he _needs_ to feel bad about it. He needs to know what, what destruction he’s capable of, and I need to remember that too.”

Lee blinked. “Why's that?”

“In case he does it again!” Which, of course, is where the discussion was always headed.

“Do you think he'll do something like that again?” 

“Do I — Do I think he, he might…” he trailed off before snapping his jaw shut. That was the crux of it, he supposed, so he might as well be honest. Breathing deeply in and out, he tried in a calmer tone, “Yeah, as much as I hate to say it, I think it's a possibility. Why not? Next time there’s a crisis or he gets pissed enough, then it’s possible, I guess. I’m not the only one with a lot of anger, and you know it.”

Steve made some sort of choking, hiccuping noise. “Danny, I would never—”

“I didn’t think you would before,” the detective cut in, “so what’s to stop you now? Or Chin or Kono or Lou? You were mocking me, _humiliating_ me. How can I not be afraid it’s going to happen again?”

“That concern is completely understandable. Words can be incredibly powerful —” 

“Let me just stop you, okay. I know words can cause a lot of pain, just ask my daughter who had to listen to some of the things her mother and I used to shout at each other. I say a lot of shit too, I know that. I’m sarcastic, I call him names and yell at him, but the difference is that he fucking knows I do it because I love him. And calling him an animal when he’s doing crazy shit is not the same as laughing at him because nobody cares whether he lives or dies. What he did, it didn’t come from love. I don’t know where the fuck it came from, but not love. So forgive me if I can’t forget how he was hateful and mean. The best I can do is try to set it aside and not let it influence things.”

The doctor was very careful not to sound accusing when he asked, “Do you think it’s not influencing things?”

“It hasn’t been so far.” There was no hint of a lie there, so Danny obviously believed it.

“What about you, Steve? Do you think it’s been influencing your relationship?”

“Not really,” he murmured quietly before clearing his throat. “I guess I’m more concerned that it’ll be a problem in the future.”

At that, Danny nodded his head and gestured toward his partner. “See? Thank you. We have plenty of time for our individual therapists to address this since it’s not a pressing issue. I really don’t think this is something we need to work through together. I don’t want to do it together.”

“And you, Steve?”

“Yeah, whatever he needs.” It was said absently, almost like it was a given, and maybe it was. “But, Danny, I am sorry. I don’t even… I don’t know what the fuck was wrong with me.”

“I know you’re sorry, but I can’t do this now. I’m working really hard on wiping the slate clean, but I’m not, like, an infinite pool of forgiveness or whatever.” He didn’t like saying it, and he liked even less the way he knew it would make Steve feel.

Oddly enough, Steve’s lips curled up ever so slightly. “Maybe not an infinite pool, but almost.”

Danny really didn’t want to face the fondness in his partner’s tone. “Don’t, okay, don’t do that. You don’t have to do that. Don’t try to be nice right now.”

“Man, I’m not trying to be nice. I really believe that.” And he did. In his mind, he’d been comparing Danny to the wide, open sea for a while. “Sometimes though, I think you forgave me for everything else too easy.” He was afraid that Danny was clinging to this because he simply wasn’t ready to let all of his anger over their other issues go.

That caught Lee’s attention. “Do you think that too, Danny?”

“What? That I forgave him too easily? No, I do not. It wasn’t easy. We’ve both worked hard on getting better, and we’ve both worked hard on forgiveness. I’m still working on it, obviously. It’s been anything but easy.” Nothing good ever came easily to Danny, so he’d never expected this to be any different. 

“You both have done an excellent job on working through your past issues. Do you think it’s been worth it, Danny?” 

“Do I think? Do I _think_ it’s been worth it?” he repeated, nearly sputtering with outrage. “No, I, I _know_ it’s been worth it. I know he’s been worth it. I do, absolutely, no question. I know he loves me deeply, and I love him the same way. I wouldn’t trade what we have for anything. Even when it really sucks.” 

Lee stared down at his notes, seeming a little lost in thought. Eventually, he looked back at the two men. “If you’re both telling me that it isn’t causing you problems right now, then I have to believe that. You can, and I think you should, talk to your individual therapists about this though. I can’t stress that enough.”

Danny felt like he’d gone three rounds with Tyson, but their time was almost up. Thank God. “Yeah, okay. And maybe next week we can work on some of the bad things on my end. I’ve done some really shitty things to Steve too, so it’s only fair. If he, uh, if he wants to, that is.” 

These two had such an odd sense of fairplay, one that he couldn’t quite get a handle on. “You don’t mind feeling guilty yourself?”

Danny pulled his fingers down one by one with his thumb, cracking each knuckle loudly as he stared down at the beige rug. “I’d rather feel guilty than worthless. That’s all talking about this does — make me feel worthless.”

“Do you understand that Steve doesn’t think you’re worthless?”

“Sure.” It was a lie though, and he’d sworn he wasn’t going to lie in therapy. He closed his eyes and sighed. “I guess,” he backtracked. “Most of the time I know that. Maybe not always. Maybe not on the really bad days.”

“Danny,” Steve moaned. 

And Danny knew what that tone meant. _Oh, Danny. Poor, pitiful Danny._ Well, he didn’t want his pity. He didn’t even want his contrition. All he wanted was to keep his little kernel of anger because, deep down, he needed the reminder, he needed the protection the reminder gave him. He had shown how vulnerable he was, and that was good for their relationship, necessary even, but he was only willing to be vulnerable to a point. He trusted Steve more than anyone else, but he couldn’t afford blind trust. He was too tired of being the one who got fucked over. He’d given Steve all the chances he ever would, and he needed his anger to keep his backbone. It fueled his determination to not act like he was worthless even if he felt like he was sometimes, and he wasn’t going to let Steve or a therapist or anyone else take it away from him. And was it hurting him? Yeah, but that was the fucking point. 

Seeing that both men had reached their emotional limit for the day, Lee decided to end the session before anything else could be said. “I think that’s enough for today. I agree that this might not be the venue for working through this issue right now, so it’s off the table here unless you _both_ want to address it again. Next week, despite Danny’s suggestion, I think that it would be better to focus on something more constructive. For your homework, I’d like you to think about something your partner has done that made you feel special or important, and we can explore some helpful, positive behavior.” Examining each man in turn, he noted they both seemed distressed and shaken. “I know that stirring up old hurts like this can be damaging in its own way. You might need some time away from each other this evening to process, and that’s okay, but I hope you both try to remember how much you love each other and how much progress you’ve made. Your relationship is stronger than you realize.”

Steve nodded as he stood. “Okay. Thank you, Lee.”

“Yeah.” Danny rose as well, making a motion to straighten a tie that hadn’t been there in ten years. “Thanks, Doc.”

Neither spoke as they took the stairs down to the utilitarian lobby, squinting against the afternoon sunlight shining through the glass doors. The detective lifted his hand to shade his eyes, and Steve used the opportunity to grab his other hand and tug him back. Danny stopped cold, turning reluctantly to look at his partner.

“I’m not going to talk about this anymore unless you want to,” Steve assured him. “All I need you to know is that I am truly so sorry, I’ll never do it again, and I love you.”

And that, Danny knew, was the most important thing. “I love you too.”

Steve had really needed to hear that. Their session had been nextdoor to excruciating, but he’d known this was never going to be something they resolved quickly. He just needed to say one final thing. “The only thing that’ll make you believe that I won’t speak to you like that again is time. But, Danny, I promise you I will make you believe it someday. _I will_.”

The smaller man didn’t really know what to say to that, and he was so freaking ready to put this out of his mind for a while. “Listen,” he started, pulling at Steve’s shirt to get him moving again, “it’s time to go get Charlie. Maybe we can stop and get the stuff for chicken soup. I think Chin and Sara are coming over, and that’ll make enough food to feed everybody.”

“Your mom’s chicken soup?” It was Danny’s go-to comfort meal, and Steve understood why he needed it. It was his first step toward calming down and getting back to normal, and it wouldn’t hurt Steve either. Being with the kids would help a lot too. 

“That sounds good, buddy. Let’s go then. I’m already hungry.”

Danny’s smile was forced but still so beautiful. “You’re always hungry, you animal.”

“I’m a growing boy, Danny. I need the fuel.” The bait was so easy, there was no way Danny wouldn’t take it.

“A growing boy? You better hope you don’t grow anymore, Steven. You’re already a giraffe in combat boots. Any more growing and I’m gonna have to invest in stilts.”

When they got to the car, Danny stopped and looked over the roof at his partner. God knows they’d done some damage to each other over the years, but they’d healed a lot of damage in each other too. The fact of the matter was that they wanted each other, good and bad, with everything they had. Time might heal all of Danny’s wounds someday, or maybe it wouldn’t, but as long as Steve was by his side he’d deal with it. “I really do love you, you know? So, so much.”

Steve brushed his fingers down the middle of his chest and over the top of his abdomen, right where his heart was, right where his liver was. “Yeah, Danno, I know. I know."

**Author's Note:**

> I'm still angry about how 6.25 ended, and I'm probably going to die angry about it. Danny's harsh with Steve in this, but I hope it's clear that he didn't want to be hurtful. I swear I'm going to do some happy, fluffy stories in this series, and some stories about some of Danny's bad behavior and how it affected Steve. Like about 80% of the population though, I'm depressed, and I think it's coming out in my writing. Oh well. Also, my therapist is a psychologist instead of a psychiatrist, but, like they do in the story, I call them "Doctor" because they have a PhD. I've been told it's not always that way in other places, so I thought I'd mention it.


End file.
